I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
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