so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
