dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
