Please, let me fuck your mom
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
