I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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