i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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