the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Dignity is for republicans.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
