I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
