Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
