A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
