Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Randomize