why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
