I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
