Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
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