If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
