He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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