They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
i believe in u and ur pee
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
