I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
