Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
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