Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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