I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
