you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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