Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
