I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
