I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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