She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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