I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
