mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
