I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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