I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
you inspire me to be a worse person
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize