My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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