I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
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