just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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