Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
