there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
