I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
