So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
