he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
