I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
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