she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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