Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
