he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
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