he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize
