My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
time to smoke my breakfast
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
should my penis look like a turkey
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Randomize
