I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
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