Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
