I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
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