Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
