Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize