No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
