Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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