Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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