i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Randomize
