remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
