I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
