filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Randomize
