Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
