Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I have aggressive nipples.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
