4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Randomize
