Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
