Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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