I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Randomize
