just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
