we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
