It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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