I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Randomize
