Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
