I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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