Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
Randomize
