i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
We just shotgunned beers for America
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
