I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
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