a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Randomize
