A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Randomize