i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
